The 10 commandments are out of date – I blaspheme frequently, I routinely judge people even though I'm a sinful bastard and my neighbour is an arsehole. So I thought they could do with a little 21st century update. Here are the 10 Commandments of the internet:
Thou Shalt Not Have Blind Faith in the Human Race
Kony 2012 seemed like such a lovely idea at first, didn’t it? The denizens of the internet joining forces with the charity Invisible Children in order to take down the evil (and previously largely unheard of) Joseph Kony – what could possibly go wrong? Oh…
Thou Shalt Not Read the Bottom Half of the Internet
Comments sections – a collage of madness and stupidity clinging on to the bottom half of every web page like a malignant arse tumour. Full of inane chatter between opinionated/hate-filled individuals who, despite possessing all the thought and reasoning of a wooden spoon, are filled with the belief that the world would be a better place if people would only listen to them.
Thou Shalt Learn the Difference Between There and Their
Thou Shalt Not Believe That Music is Rightfully Yours
Piracy is easy. If it required more than a grain of effort to download music illegally then people wouldn’t do it. However, the ease with which music, movies and, to a lesser extent, videogames can be obtained freely shouldn’t inflate your sense of entitlement – just because you have the option to acquire things for free doesn’t mean that you then deserve those things for free.
Though the loss of an extra few thousand dollars would probably go unnoticed by the likes of Kanye West and James Cameron, the same cannot be said for new bands and independent filmmakers.
Thou Shalt Not Begin a Sentence With “The Awkward Moment When”
Is it awkward though? Is it really? Is it though? Really? It’s not, is it? It isn’t awkward, is it? So why say that it is? Why not say something else? Why say ‘the awkward moment when…’ if the moment you were referring to was not awkward in the slightest? Why do that? What is wrong with you?
Thou Shalt Not Support Something on the Internet if You Have No Intention of Supporting it in Reality
It’s all well and good creating a ‘#PrayForHaiti’ hashtag, and I’m sure that while they appreciated you listlessly tweeting about their plight on your Macbook from the comfort of your warm home whilst they searched for the dead bodies of their family members, they probably would have preferred a donation. Tweeting about praying for someone is just as useless as actually praying for someone.
Thou Shalt Not ‘Like’ a Break-Up
Are you that pitiful a man that upon seeing ‘Stacey went from being in a relationship to single’ pop up on your news feed your immediate reaction is to click the thumbs up icon? No. No you are not. You are a man who is capable of more than just being this girl’s rebound, so wait at least two weeks before scrolling through her holiday photos and liking all the photos of her in a bikini.
Thou Shalt Not Create a Facebook Page for Your Pet
You may have thought it humorous to create a profile for your cat. You may have even enjoyed posting status updates such as “I luv havin my belly tickled by my owner! xx” and “this food really is the cat’s whiskers! xx”. But just know that you are the very worst kind of person and that your life from this point on will be nothing but disappointment and loneliness.
Thou Shalt Not Write Ridiculously Low/High User Scores on Metacritic
To those among you who believe that being a videogame reviewer is one of the easiest jobs on the planet, I point you in the direction of the Metacritic user reviews.
Metacritic user reviewers are divided into two categories, the first being the overwhelmingly excited and the second being the implausibly annoyed. The excited will typically rate a game 10/10 and include a multitude of exclamation marks and hyperbolic statements such as “BEST GAME EVER” and “OMG THIS GAME IS SO GOOD I HAD TO RESTRAIN MYSELF FROM EJACULATING DURING THE LOADING SCREEN”. On the other hand the annoyed will rate a game 0/10 and then proceed to curl up into a ball on their bedroom floor, sucking their thumb whilst drenched in their own urine.
Thou Shalt Not Under Any Circumstances Use Formspring
In essence Formspring is a social test created so that its users can find out just how much mental abuse they can withstand before finally giving up on life. While its homepage proudly boasts that its main function is for you to ‘get to know people in a new way’, we all know that it was a website created by the devil who was looking to harvest more young souls via teen suicide.
Giving users the option to ask friends/acquaintances/strangers anything they wish whilst hidden under a veil of anonymity isn’t going to result in queries such as “what is your favourite type of yoghurt?”, but rather “why is your left tit so much bigger than your right tit you f*cking sket?” I know that you may be curious to find out just how hated you actually are, but you know what they say – curiousity killed the prolific attention-seeker.
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