Sometimes you feel like ripping out a guy’s spine, sometimes you don’t. Mortal Kombat was infamous for its bloody fatalities, which drove kids to the arcade and drove parents insane with rage. Nowadays, Mortal Kombat’s bloodiest fatalities seem quaint compared to today’s game, but I always liked the f***-you-iness of the purposefully cute fatalities the programmers threw into Mortal Kombat 2. As if to say, “is this what you’d like our game to be like, idiot parents?” Here are the three less gruesome match-enders:
There’s no question that Sub-Zero, Stryker and Jax were all best buddies in Mortal Kombat 2. That’s why, with the right combination of buttons at the end of a fight, you could build snowmen, bowl a few pins with and offer presents to your opponents. I know they made Mortal Kombat movies, but why not a Christmas special? The plot could involve all the competitors getting snowed into their holiday cabin together: singing carols, exchanging gifts and roasting Johnny Cage on an open fire. The MK crew would kick some Peanut ass.
I wonder if a Hollywood executive gave serious thought to the idea of a “Muppet Babies” style show for Mortal Kombat. (“It’s already in the game,” the executive says, before hopefully getting fired.) Babalities allow you to turn your enemy into a baby, as the name suggests. I suppose there’s nothing more humiliating than being turned into a baby, although you wonder if they should have gone the extra mile, allowing you to first turn a player into a baby, then rip its arms off or suck out its soul. Midway Games missed an opportunity to have their offices torched by parents.
The rarest of the non-lethal fatalities, perhaps of ALL the fatalities, and rarer means better! With a special move in Mortal Kombat 2 for the Sega Mega Drive, you could turn your opponent into the CEO of Probe Software (a company who worked on the Sega port), Fergus McGovern. The British game developer went on to found HotGen, which makes those Pac-Man games you buy at Rite-Aid that plug into your TV and are just a joystick. Y’know, the ones that are always broken? Well, being a fatality in Mortal Kombat is a hard act to follow.
Geoffrey Golden is the Editor in Chief of The Devastator: The Quarterly Comedy Magazine For Humans!