Y’know those get rich quick schemes that promise you $500,000 within a year? How about those crash course diets that supposedly ensure you have a six-pack in 2 weeks? Have they ever worked for you?
Of course they haven’t. In this life nothing is easy. If you want something, you have to work for it. Unless of course you’re a Kardashian or a binge drinking Italian-American, but they’re the exceptions to the rule: you’re not pretty enough to get a show on E!, so if you want a life of happiness you’re going to have to undergo years of trials and tribulations.
Not to worry, though, I’ve got 13 things right here that might put a smile on your face today. So put your feet up, put down the bleach and read on to begin your lifetime of fulfilment!
1. Watch Curb Your Enthusiasm
What’s that? You haven’t watched it yet? What have you been doing? I have an excuse for taking so long to begin watching Larry David’s comic masterpiece: I’m British. Over here quality TV roughly equates to Doctor Who and a continuous loop of Friends re-runs.
2. Buy Dead Island and convince 3 of your friends to do the same
Dead Island looks awesome. I haven’t played it yet (I’m British, remember?) but my week has still largely consisted of convincing anyone within earshot to purchase it. Surviving a zombie apocalypse with 3 buddies? Sounds like the perfect weekend to me.
3. Create a blog
You’re a man. You don’t have journals. You keep all of your innermost thoughts locked inside of you, until they fester and become a puss-filled cyst of unhappiness that is just aching to burst and coat itself all over your boss/girlfriend/child.
By creating an anonymous blog you are essentially writing in a journal, however as you’ll be doing it on your Macbook and with some sort of professional metallic theme in the background, you’ll feel a lot more awesome about writing down how that cute girl at the office rejected you by the coffee machine.
4. Follow new people on Twitter
Personal recommendations would be @xxxBiBiJones http://twitter.com/#!/xxxBiBiJones (NSFW), @nealbrennan http://twitter.com/#!/nealbrennan, @DrPeterThraft http://twitter.com/#!/DrPeterThraft and me. http://twitter.com/#!/PaulTamburro I admit I’m a little biased…
5. Go for a morning run
I know that the idea of running around your local area isn’t the most tantalising. You’re worried that your neighbours might see you in your tight running shorts, or that you make it to the end of the road and humiliatingly collapse in a pool of sweat and vomit. I understand.
However, when you get over the initial hurdle of worrying whether or not you’re going to be known locally as “that fat guy who jogs at 8 in the morning”, you’ll soon find that not many people actually give a shit about you exercising, and you actually feel like a million bucks for having gotten out the house to do anything other than sit in an office chair/sit on a barstool.
6. Listen to the new Bombay Bicycle Club album
Even though their fan base largely consists of 15-year-old girls, Bombay Bicycle Club are awesome and deserve to travel across the pond and into the clutches of you Americans.
7. Familiarise yourself with Karl Pilkington
You’ve probably already heard the round-headed idiots’ voice thanks to The Ricky Gervais Show, but watching him in An Idiot Abroad is nigh-on life changing. Catch up with the first series before the second makes its way to UK TV later this month.
Header Image: Screenshot from Curb Your Enthusiasm