You never know what kind of crazy situation life is going to put you in. That’s why god invented hypothetical questions, so you could test your brain in different, outlandish situations without having to actually be stuck on a deserted island with only one book, one kind of food and one DVD. (How are you gonna watch the DVD? And who’s supplying you with a lifetime of spaghetti?) This is your hypothetical question for today:
You are a hot, up-and-coming NASCAR driver. Everyone agrees you have the potential to be the next Dale Earnhardt Jr or Sr, whichever one is better. However, even though you’ve got the raw talent, your team is not getting any big sponsorship offers. This is because you’re going through a very public, messy divorce with a Hollywood actress – let’s say Sienna Miller, because why not? Sienna is getting everything and is constantly airing dirty laundry about your relationship to TMZ, that f***ing bitch. I hate Sienna Miller so much! Anyway, you did cheat on her, which you’re very sorry about, but 90% of what she’s telling TMZ are bald faced lies, especially the pervy stuff.
Meanwhile, the Harbey’s fast food chain has got a problem. There’s a crazy rumor going around that their famous pulled pork sandwiches are made of people. This is not true, and Snopes even says so. However, everybody’s making jokes on Twitter like, “@harbeys is made of people #harbeysisgross” and in a Newsweek survey, 78% of Americans think there’s something weird going on with Harbey’s meat. It’s true that Harbey’s meat ain’t filet mignon, but it’s no better or worse for you than McDonald’s or Taco Bell.
Harbey’s offers your team $10 million dollars to plaster your car with their logo and to wear their logo all over your jacket. Furthermore, everytime you win a race, you have to eat a Harbey’s sandwich on screen and smile, even though you hate the way Harbey’s sandwiches taste. Through accounting loopholes, none of that money will go to your ex-wife Sienna Miller, and you could use the money badly.
Will you accept the sponsorship deal?
Geoffrey Golden is the Editor in Chief of The Devastator: The Quarterly Comedy Magazine For Humans! Header image via HE and GH.