Six X-Ray powers we wish we had

X-Ray powers would be cool...

Danny Gallagherby Danny Gallagher

Arkham Asylum

X-ray technology and vision has become as synonymous with popular culture as Comic-Con has to tight fitting spandex on guys who couldn’t adequately fit into the stuff if they had been greased down with Crisco and shot into their outfit from a cannon. And even though many an X Ray Technician and technology has come very far in a short amount of time, the imagination of fictional X Ray technology makes us wish the real world could catch up with it. These are the X Ray powers we wish we could install in our retinas.


1. Robocop’s “Thermograph” Vision

This fully wired Detroit officer actually has one of the least envious existences in the annals of sci-fi action hero-dom because of the horrific story still running through his head every time he gets a software upgrade. We’d only agree to be this badass movie cop if the deal came with a truckload of anti-depressants and a water tower full of whiskey.

Some of his powers and upgrades might make up for it, including his X-ray style vision that allows him to see through walls so he can literally kick someones butt through it. His “Thermograph” vision picks up on body heat levels through walls to give him the upper hand on his enemy, like it did when an angry councilman took the city’s mayor and his staff hostage when the last election didn’t go his way.


2. Dr. Xavier’s X-Ray Vision

Science has given us a lot of great things, but it’s yet to give human beings the ability to see through things without any special equipment or technology. It’s only fair since we had to study science all those years in school.

Maybe that’s because scientists aren’t willing to put their works to the ultimate test by testing it on themselves. Dr. James Xavier had the guts to put his X-ray vision elixir to test on himself and not only did it work, but it gave him more uses than a Swiss Army Knife that carries a tiny Pocket Fisherman. He not only used his awesome ability to heal the sick and help the needy, but he even turned his powers against the casinos at Las Vegas and even on the dance floor with a couple of cuties to see exactly what they were shaking underneath their already skimpy clothes.


3. Superman’s X-Ray Vision

This iconic comic book legend has just about every superpower a superhero could want in his arsenal. He can fly. He can shoot death rays from his eyes. He can freeze things with his ice breath. Chances are he’s got a couple of powers he hasn’t told us about yet just so science doesn’t try to do one of those alien autopsies on him so FOX can air it on their Friday prime time lineup.

His X-Ray vision may be one of his most overlooked powers (let’s face it, flying sounds pretty awesome compared to having to go through another touchy-feely TSA checkpoint), but it’s also one of his most enviable. He can see through just about anything as long as it’s not coated in lead and if that wasn’t cool enough, he gets asked to examine Lois Lane’s underthings to prove his power at her behest. That’s not really a super power, more of a fringe benefit that comes with the job.


4. Batman’s “Detective Mode”

The Dark Knight is another iconic superhero who has a bunch of physical abilities and gadgets that just about every living, breathing human being prays for everyday of their lives without having to do sit ups or max out their credit card at The Sharper Image to get.

Batman’s night vision mode, nicknamed “Detective Mode” in the “Arkham Asylum” video game, doesn’t just allow him to see his pray in the cold, dark knight of Arkham’s cold halls, but he can also see them through thick, brick walls to get the upper hand on them. And as if that weren’t enough, he can also read their emotional well-being from calm to panicky. The only way that could be sweeter is if the special vision could tell the state of their underwear after we scared the living hell out of them.


5. The X-Ray Moves from "Mortal Kombat"

Nobody prays to be in a situation where extreme violence is the only way anyone can survive it, but if you have to put up your dukes and take out some animal hostility on someone else’s face and your fists, being able to see the internal damages you’re causing would be a nice power to have. It could also save us some bucks after we’re done limping to the emergency room and paying the outrageous premium.

The latest reincarnation of the “Mortal Kombat” series featured a special attack mode called “X-Ray Moves” that allows your character to punch, kick, stab and hemorrhage an opponent into a boney, bloody pile of nothing by seeing the injuries that are causing. The move doesn’t just dole out a serious amount of damage, but it actually shows the damage down to bone-crushing biological detail. It only works during the actual fight, not the finishing move since most of the “Fatalities” rip off so many limbs and rip out so many internal organs that putting them in an X-Ray mode would be redundant.


6. Mr. Teas’ X-Ray Vision

The name of this movie character might not sound familiar except to the most discriminating movie buff or historian’s taste, but once you hear it, you’ll be cursing the god of your choice that they didn’t grant the human race with his ability.

The title character of adult movie maven and director Russ Meyer’s first commercial film, “The Immoral Mr. Teas,” is a door-to-door salesman with the unique ability to see through beautiful woman’s clothes to…well, use your imagination. And this entry belongs at the end because chances are if you are “using your imagination” about what you could do with this unique vision power, you’ll need a long nap and maybe a bowl of cereal afterwards.