Pretend to be an Adult

Guys, feel free to grow up anytime now.

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

Fools. When a girl comes over to your place for the first time, she’s not going to be impressed by your massive electronic library of music or your World of Warcraft dragon claw-paper weight.

Honestly, when a woman comes over to your house, she’s expecting the worst. She expects that you’ll make some pathetic attempts to clean up, but that all in all it will look like hell.

However, there are really small measures you can take to simply make your place look better and to show this girl that you’re not a closeted-trainwreck that you appear to be, you in that vintage Garfield and Friends t-shirt that you think is so hip, but really just dated and lacking wit.

If you like this chick, you want to look like long-term-relationship material.

Open your cupboards. Look around. Make sure you have more than one glass and more than one mug. One time I went over to this guy’s house and he poured me a cup of coffee in a jar. And I drank the coffee from that jar. And I thought “Whoa, what will it be like to get to second base with this jar-boy?” And then I thought, “Whoa—do I want to venture into such territory?” Listen, walk to the dollar store and solve this issue in your own home for $2.12, okay? This way your date doesn’t have to have this conversation with herself.

Go into your bathroom. Look at your bathmat. If your bathmat looks like the skin of a possum, left dead and depressed on the tiled floor, it’s time to get a new bathmat. Once I went into a guy’s bathroom it looked like there was a nest of baby rats camping out on the floor. Then I realized it was his bathmat. Dudes, do you really want to step out of the shower, all clean and refreshed, and step onto what feels like a den of dirty rodents? When I saw that dude’s bathmat, it made me instantly wonder about parts of his body that I hadn’t seen yet. And I wondered if there was any resemblance between those parts and the pile of grossness at my feet.

What I’m about to suggest is really out there and wacky, but I truly want you guys to keep reading. While you’re at the dollar store, pick up a set of coasters. I know, I know, you don’t want to seem like you’re not a heterosexual, but  I assure you that such a move is only going to help you get closer into her heart.  Women have been trained to use coasters. We have been instructed that bad things will happen if we don’t use them. If you hand her a drink, and she takes a sip a needs to put it down and there are no coasters available, she’s going to be seriously distracted. She might try to rest it on a magazine, the floor and other surfaces, but not your precious yard sale coffee table, because that would be bad. Save her this inner turmoil by just having some handy. Buy some wooden generic ones and say you made them yourself in the woodshop outback, Mr. Masculine.