Look, I watch a lot of pro wrestling. In the hundreds of hours I've spent watching the most popular version of live theatre in the world I've seen a ton of different wrestling moves. I've seen wrestlers powerbomb each other through tables set on fire, do double corkscrew back flips and execute flawless triple German suplexes. The simulated violence of the ring requires a lot of athleticism and talent to properly pull off, and when done correctly, heightens the emotional experience of watching an excellent match.
But nothing can replace a good shot to the balls.
Here for your enjoyment I have compiled videos of the most genital harming moves in pro wrestling, and I think you'll be shocked as to how many variations exist for this most important street fighting maneuver. So I'll be saying the word "balls" a lot in this article. College educated folks. BONUS: If you follow through all the entries there is a special prize at the end that won't disappoint: The Most Illegal Move in the History of Wrestling! Click on and enjoy!
10. The Low Blow
This is the original version of the ball shot executed over three times by the fourteen time world heavyweight champ and "Dirtiest Player in the Game" Ric Flair. The balls he's hitting belong to "The World's Largest Athelete" The Big Show, so you know those balls are huge. Consider this our starting point, the absolute zero of dick kicks.
Our next move should have been called "Flying Crotch to the Face" but it's…
9. The Bronco Buster
X-Pac tries really hard to make it cool to bounce up and down on a man's chest with his balls in their face. He also risks pulling his groin if his opponent rolls out in time. X-Pac is not really hurting his opponent's balls as much as he's risking his own to "embarrass them" I guess? Sorry Degeneration X; I can't tell you what to do.
Wish I could've told these jokers to lay off their friend's "bait n' tackle" in this next clip…
8. The Wishbone
I suppose I can't go through a Top 10 about ball shots without including at least one clip of backyard wrestling. What these amateurs lack in pro wrestling skill they make up for in (probable) intoxication and love of fake pugilism…which of course turns into a groin tear for their overweight friend. Still has nothing on The Most Illegal Move in the History of Wrestling…
This next move is named after the terrifying weapon that ended WWII, and is possibly just as painful to live through…
7. Inverted Atomic Drop
This move is actually meant to hurt your opponent's legs and tailbone, by ramming your knee up after the lift and jamming your opponent's legs when they land. Honestly though? It's a knee to the balls. Whoever invented this move is brilliant though because I've never seen anyone get disqualified for using this move. It also looks kind of stupid when you do it. At least that's what my friends said in grade school.
By contrast, this next move is blatant, time tested, and effective…at crushing balls…
6. Shattered Dreams
(The action starts at 2:01)
This is a straight-up running kick to the berries. But you know what makes this really hurt? That you're being kicked in the nads by Goldust, the cross-dressing grandson of a plumber who loves to sexually intimidate his opponents by breathing heavily and rubbing his latex jumpsuit. Wrestling is pretty great.
We're halfway to The Most Illegal Move in the History of Wrestling so I think we deserve a bathroom break (and an ice pack) So let me introduce my friend Balls Mahoney…
5. Balls Mahoney
12 year old Sam:
"Yeah dad! Check this guy out! His name is Balls Mahoney! He's really tough, and every time he punches someone the crowd yells his name! Isn't that cool?"
My father shook his head slowly from side to side, closed his eyes, and prayed that when they opened, his son would stop watching wrestling. He's still waiting.
This next crotch bomb involves a head butt, spread legs, and a nonsensical reference to a Budweiser commercial…
A partner-assisted suicide head butt to the balls. I question why a person would want to drive their heads into the crotch of another man, but then again, people question why I watch it. Also, I don't think I understand why they preempt it by going "Wassssssup?" (HIGHLIGHT LINK for "wassup" <– http://youtu.be/UDTZCgsZGeA) Does injuring a man's sack make them thirsty for Budweiser or something?
"Word up B?"
"Wrestling a match, head butting some balls."
Only two more entries until we see the amazement that is The Most Illegal Move in the History of Wrestling…
This next move really GRABS your attention, if by ATTENTION you mean…
3. The Testicular Claw
Usually a wrestling fan would be happy to have a real woman anywhere near their crotch, but this devastating hold twists that whole idea around. Literally. Bonus points for now porn star and professional train wreck Chyna for throwing Stevie Richards only by his johnson. Let's hope she trimmed her nails beforehand. I also like that first clip where the one of the announcers scream "TOTALLY ILLEGAL!"
Onto my personal favorite finishing move in pro wrestling…and it's still just at #2…
2. The Ass Punch
Just listening to the announcers try to justify this ridiculous move is an exercise in hilarity. And while there is no explicit genital harm done to the opponent, imagine how hard it will be for Super Dragon to recover from this attack. And if Beef Wellington truly got in a solid ass punch, the shock waves sent through Super Dragon's pelvis would be enough to shatter his stones easily. "History in the making" indeed.
But now…I've teased it this whole article and you deserve a reward…to see The Most Illegal Move in the History of Wrestling! It's one click away!
1. The Most Illegal Move in The History of Wrestling
Using the power of hypnosis The Osirian Portal forces their opponents and the rest of the locker room into a dancing haze to the funky rhythm of the Sugar Hill Gang. While this move has nothing to do with genital destruction; it is still more illegal, nonsensical, and damaging to a wrestler's pride than any shot in the balls. It is also really, really entertaining.
So I guess in the end, all I did was set up one big swerve for nine entries.
Ain't that a kick in the balls?
Header image includes Shawn Michaels low blow from jojovonjo on Flickr