Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
I handed my dad an egg. pic.twitter.com/8HitnbbbMz
— Mått (@shadygrenade) June 20, 2015
We need you to come down & identify your wife’s body Wile E Coyote: WHAT HAPPENED 52 car pile up, some idiot painted a fake tunnel on i80
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) June 28, 2015
Sorry I unhooked your dog’s collar with one hand while it was kissing me.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) June 27, 2015
A gloryhole for dogs where strangers can tell them they’re a good boy
— Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) June 25, 2015
ME: Saw a dude talking to himself. ME: Me too.
— Kevin Sussman (@KevinSussman) June 27, 2015
Just a simple photo of a red vase, right? Look closer; it’s Hall & Oates. pic.twitter.com/XVvkVn4wKY
— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) June 26, 2015
Just got off the phone with Sir Ian McKellen. He wanted to personally thank me for making my Facebook profile pic rainbow-colored.
— stefan (@boring_as_heck) June 28, 2015
rebecca black was only 13 when she made Friday pic.twitter.com/qxSkhes9E2
— Elijah Daniel (@aguywithnolife) June 28, 2015
Trying to name a single male Vine celeb who doesn’t sound like a gay porn star on paper.
— Trevor S (@trevso_electric) June 28, 2015
hello yes one ticket for seth mcfarland cuss bear
— rob whisman (@robwhisman) June 27, 2015
I need to walk my dog, but I’m afraid I’ll run into the neighbor who always wants to describe the piece of fresh fruit he’s just eaten.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) June 27, 2015
“How do I explain this to my kids?” Your kids already know. Your kids do not care. Your kids are shockingly well adjusted.
— Ashly (@newageamazon) June 26, 2015
“Yay?” (gays in iffy relationships)
— Josh Comers (@joshcomers) June 26, 2015
Living in Florida is a constant fun game of how fast can I get from one place with air conditioning to another?
— Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) June 25, 2015
So I haven’t achieved much financially. Big deal. The important thing is: I’m not happy
— Ristolable (@Ristolable) June 25, 2015
“The sanctity of marriage is wrecked!” I say to Debra, my 5th wife, after 4 previous unsuccessful marriages.
— luke (@internetluke) June 26, 2015
[wife gets home from getting her hair done] I hate it “I’m sure it’s fine, take off your hat and let’s have a look” I’m not wearing a hat
— brent (@murrman5) June 23, 2015
stranger: “what do you think you’re doing? me: [sharing his umbrella] “don’t make this weird”
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) June 22, 2015
You know “sea foam” is technically whale piss, but yeah this bridesmaid dress is great
— ceeks (@70Ceeks) March 15, 2015
*a man runs into the bar* “HELP HELP, IS ANYONE HERE COUSINS WITH BON JOVI?” *my date looks at me, I do nothing, my lies are now exposed*
— THE NATEWOLF (@thenatewolf) June 23, 2015
More very funny tweets can be found right here.