10 Signs That Facebook Is Ruining Your Life

Sometimes, Facebook is just the worst.

Matt Branhamby Matt Branham

On its way to one billion users, Facebook, headed by Time magazine’s 2010 Person of the Year Mark Zuckerberg, is indeed one of the biggest phenomenons to follow the birth of the Internet, connecting people in every conceivable way and continuously growing in new directions. But with every new road paved, there’s bound to be a few speed bumps, especially if you’re the type who wants the car to pull over and let you out. Here are 10 ways to know if Facebook is ruining your life, or the lives of those around you.

No. 10 – Despite having a pool of nearly a billion Facebook users to choose from, a random girl with a way-too-hot-to-be-real profile picture seems to be the only one who finds you interesting enough to engage a friendship. Of course, you accept her request out of curiosity in the hope that she isn’t like other girls, only to wake up to six missed calls from your bank telling you your account has been breached and your identity stolen, costing you a few hundred bucks at an outlet store in New Mexico.

No. 9 – Your semi-private, quasi-artistic sexual Instagram photos are about to become heavily publicized skank flags thanks to Facebook’s $1 billion absorption of the photo-based community app. To the Andy Warhols of the world, you’re a work of modern art. To everybody else, you’re just a whore-hall.

No. 8 – With approximately 3.2 billion likes and comments daily on Facebook, you still cannot manage to get anybody to acknowledge a flawless photo of you with your new puppy. That’s it. Pack it up. You’re officially hopeless.

No. 7 – A majority of your Facebook mobile notifications are for events with names like “Bang Fest” from people you don’t remember, after a night in which you got loaded at some sleazy after-party, post-vomiting on your favorite outfit at a two-for-one-drink-special cantina. OK, so maybe not all of your problems are just Facebook related here.

No. 6 – In 2012, people have spent approximately 700 billion minutes each month on Facebook, which averages to nearly 16 hours for every user. That number has doubled compared to past years. If this pattern continues, you’ll be more likely to be on Facebook than you are likely to be smoking a cigarette, even if you smoke three packs a day. Let’s not even consider how much less likely you are to be reading, doing charity work or adopting helpless baby seals.

No. 5 – You’re wise enough to use Twitter as a discard pile for all the filthy, inappropriate thoughts that you want to put out into the world without anybody noticing, only to have those comments appear automatically on Facebook, which, of course, connects everything in the universe together so everybody can see what a disgusting, depraved pervert you really are.

No. 4 – Your friends send you important information about meet-ups and parties through Facebook messages rather than calling or texting you, meaning you probably won’t get the information until it’s too late, also meaning they never wanted you to have it in the first place. Facebook is ironically a great place to learn that you need new friends.

No. 3 – When you ask a girl for her last name, she knows it’s not a chivalrous gesture of genuine curiosity but rather a crucial detail used to make assumptions based on her nationality, followed immediately by a classic Facebook stalker move. You don’t get brownie points anymore for trying to seem interested. Instead, you get added to a long list of social-networking creeps to ignore when they text, which you will, because you’re from a generation that contributes to the death of conversations.

No. 2 – Your girlfriend breaks up with you through Facebook, but you’re smart enough to turn off your notifications on your phone. However, you now look like more of a jackass when you show up at her house to surprise her.

No. 1 – One of the best ways to know Facebook is ruining your life is that it’s embedded in more than 2.5 million websites and available in 70 languages, so no matter how hard you try to escape by deleting accounts, moving countries or changing last names, this social monster will always find you. Unless, of course, you move to the one place where it’s blocked: China.