When I was young I only wanted to be one thing when I grew up – Optimus “Mother F***ing” Prime. Why on earth would I want to be a giant transforming robot truck you ask? Despite the answer to that being pretty self explanatory – I want to be a giant transforming robot truck – let me explain my thinking.
He is a Transformer who can turn change form from a robot warrior to a semi-trailer, which young me thought was just the most impressive vehicle on the road. He is also the bad-ass all conquering leader of the Autobots, the good guys in Transformers for any of you lacking in the finer points of culture. But what set Optimus apart from other robotic heroes of my youth – like Robocop or The Terminator – was that he was also just a really top bloke who was always on the right side of the action and who always put himself on the line to save his fellow Autobots or their human friends.
Unfortunately when my parents and teachers told me I could be whatever I wanted when I grew up, a giant robot that can transform into a massive truck wasn’t on their list of “realistic” goals. “You’ll never get paid to be a Transformer” they said. “No one cares about stupid kids cartoons” they warned. “If you don’t leave these childish dreams behind you’ll end up alone in your 30s while everyone moves into adulthood” they predicted.
Well the joke’s on them, ‘cos look at me now ma, getting paid to think about what it would be like to be a Transformer, which as far as I’m concerned is a pretty good silver medal… even if their predictions of my living situation have proved eerily accurate.
But my crippling loneliness aside, join me as I flee my emotions and live out a childhood fantasy as I Escape Into Transformers: The Last Night – What I Would Do If I Was Optimus Prime.
While young me admired Optimus for always doing what is right, 30 year old me isn’t quite so idealistic, having learned from experience that breaking the rules is a lot more fun than following them (don’t try this at home kids). So if i was Optimus Prime I would go rogue, and really test out what I can do as a giant transforming robot fighting machine.
You see the problem with being a hero is you never really get to let loose and go all out. Heroes are all about restraint, and the burden of power to only use it to defend the less the powerful. But if I’m getting to test drive a giant transforming robot body, I’m going to want to cause some destruction, start some fights, and most of all try out some bad-ass new transformer forms. I mean the semi is cool and all, but image aircraft carrier Optimus Prime. Or Gunship Optimus Prime. Now that’s bad ass.
Eventually the heat would get too hot though and then I’d head to the moon to enjoy the view of Earth – now that it is thankfully free of hidden Decepticons following on from Dark Of The Moon – and let the earthlings cool off/come up against a foe they need my help with and then forgive me for going Rogue in the first place. Funnily enough this is kind of what Optimus does in The Last Knight, although he doesn’t choose to go rogue and when he does he does so with a much more sensible plan than mine. Still you watch the movie and tell me who did it better, me or Optimus?
Lose The Keys To Myself
While part of me likes to think the first thing I would do as Optimus Prime would be to visit the moon or kick some Decepticon ass, more than likely the very first thing I would do is spend a good hour looking for the keys to myself. Sure it seems pretty clear from what we know about Transformers that they don’t actually need keys to operate themselves, I’m pretty sure I would find a way of locking something essential in some part of myself that requires keys. As even though I would be Optimus Prime, I would still be myself on some level, and if there is one thing I am better at than anyone, it’s not being able to find things that are right in front of me.
Get The Band Back Together
At the start of The Last Knight the Autobots are a shadow of their former glory, having gone from saviours of humanity to pariahs during the action of Age Of Extinction, with the fact that Optimus left Earth to go back to Cybertron not really helping the social cohesion of the group. So if I was Optimus Prime I would get the band back together ASAP, Blues Brothers style. By this I mean go on a road trip, not sing the blues, although we could find time for that I’m sure. Whatever form this adventure took however, the emphasis here would be on robot on robot bonding and celebrating the friendship built between the Autobots over their many travels and battles through the solar system. Maybe we could even take a trip to the Caribbean.
Chill Out In Cuba With Mark Wahlberg
For those not keeping track of the action in the last few Transformers films, by the time of The Last Knight Transformers have been outlawed all over the world, except for Cuba. Whether or not this is an attempt on director Michael Bay’s part to draw a political parallel between socialism and Transformers is unclear – judging from the rest of his filmography I’m leaning toward no, but there is a chance – but what is clear is that if you are a Transformer, Cuba is the place to be… and Mark Wahlberg – aka Cade Yaeger – is the person to be with.
Cade is one of the only pro-Transformer humans left on the planet following the events of Age Of Extinction and Dark Of The Moon when humans came to see all Transformers as threats. This might be because a major city gets destroyed every time they show up, but who’s to say. Cade is also an inventor and has a knack for repairing Autobots, literally bringing Optimus Prime back to life at the start of the last film. Which you know would be handy to have around considering I’d still be figuring out how all my parts work and am likely to hurt myself as well as others in the process.
Plus he is played by Marky Mark Wahlberg, who is 100% one of the most ‘beer-shareable’ of blokes. And with the start of the film seeing him in robot-war-torn Chicago helping survivors , he’d probably love a chance to throw his feet up by the beach in Cuba with his old pal Optimus.
Probably Spend (At Least) Half An Hour Figuring Out How To Go To The Bathroom
Despite that one scene from the first film where Bumblebee urinates on John Turturo – aka Section 7 Agent and comic relief Seymour Simmons – the anatomy and reproductive physiology of the Transformers has always been shrouded in mystery. However if I was miraculously transformed into Optimus Prime, I’m pretty sure I’d want to figure out how my junk works quick smart. Unfortunately much like Forrest Gump, while I may be a good man, I am not a smart man, and I’m sure even the most basic transforming moves needed to urinate would elude me for at least half an hour and probably the better part of my first day as Optimus.
Kick Megatron’s Ass Once And For All
A good rule to go by in the world of Transformers is if you think Megatron is dead, he probably isn’t. He is pretty much the Michael Myers of the robot world. So if I was Optimus Prime I’d put an end to that once and for all by ripping out whatever part of Megatron’s body holds his consciousness and just hold onto it for safekeeping. That way I could check on it every night before bed to make sure I don’t wake up to another robot apocalypse – robocalypse if you will – in the making. Mind you this is easier said than done and sneaky old Megatron would probably find a way to escape and bring himself back to life – like convincing humans to build him a new body a la Age Of Extinction – but hey, at least I tried.
Hang Out With Anthony Hopkins
One of the most exciting additions to the Transformers universe in The Last Knight was bringing in Anthony “Hannibal Lecter” Hopkins. One of the world most distinguished and well respected actors, Transformers isn’t exactly the kind of fare Hopkins is known for, but by gosh if he isn’t a joy to watch standing around talking to Transformers. He really sells that there is a huge robot there in a way lesser actors do not.
As he and Optimus aren’t exactly on the same side for most of this film however, one of the first things I would do as Optimus – or Mr Prime as I like to imagine Sir Anthony would call him – would be to mend that bridge and hang out with the legendary British thespian… even if only to try and get some behind the scenes insight into Westworld.
Steal King Arthur’s Thunder… and His Sword
It’s a bit of a plot spoiler – it’s in the very first scene though so give me a break – but one of the big additions to the mythos of Transformers introduced in The Last Knight is the incorporation of Arthurian legend.
The story goes that while King Arthur and his Knight fight off the invading Saxons, Merlin – aka King Arthur’s Gandalf – formed an alliance with an ancient group of Transformers called the Knights of Iacon in order to repel the invaders. So really King Arthur didn’t do shit, he just did what humans always do in these movies and waited for the Transformers to come and save the day. Point Optimus.
But what about Excalibur, King Arthur’s unbreakable sword I hear you say? Well that makes an appearance in the film as well – although you’ll have to watch to find out how – but importantly not in the hands of Optimus Prime. If I was in old Optimus’s robot shoes however, I would have definitely taken the sword, even if it’s a bit small for my huge robot hands. Because what is better than being Optimus Prime? Being Excalibur wielding Optimus Prime that’s what… now if they could only figure out a way to bring lightsabers into this franchise all my childhood dreams could come true.