So there was a silly article posted by Glamour magazine over the weekend that’s got everybody pretty heated. Titled ’13 Little Things That Can Make a Man Fall Hard for You,’ the post is an abject failure in terms of it actually representing things that would work in a real, human relationship, but is a complete success in that it is so absurd that it will drive in Dem Clickz and push Glamour up a few positions on the Alexa rankings. I mean, I’m telling you that it’s shit right now, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not going to link you to it right here. We’re all a part of the problem, here.
Though I’ve seen a plethora of people complain about the negative light in which its casts women, I think that it does a greater disservice to men. To think that any man would “fall hard” as a result of any of these actions being carried out by a woman is baffling, and if you do want to make him (whoever “him” is) fall for you, then you’d have a far higher success rate if you simply smashed in his kneecaps with a blunt object than you would heeding any of Glamour’s advice.
With that being said, I think that it’s probably best if we address the article by pointing out what a man’s likely reaction would be if any of these “little things” were presented to him in real life.
1. Stocking the fridge with his favorite drinks. Bonus points: Bring him back to his fraternity days by handing him a cold one as he steps out of the shower.
“I’ve got an important meeting this morning, Helen. I appreciate the offer, I really do, but you know that the men in my family have a history of alcoholism and taking that into account, this gesture seems a little short-sighted of you.”
2. Making him a snack after sex. It doesn’t have to be a gourmet meal—a simple grilled cheese or milk and cookies will do.
“My mother used to give me milk and cookies before bed, which makes this whole situation entirely uncomfortable. As for the grilled cheese sandwich, I don’t particularly want to follow up an orgasm with heartburn.”
3. Emailing him the latest online gossip about his favorite TV show. You don’t have to have a BFF at HBO. Just share applicable links from your Twitter feed and pat yourself on the back.
“I’m pleased that you’re getting into Game of Thrones, Helen, but I closed my Twitter account due to accidentally stumbling upon spoilers all the time. You now emailing them to me was an unforeseeable issue, and you’ve unwittingly told me every single plot twist in season 5. Please stop.”
4. Bragging about him to your friends, family, the stranger on the street corner—whomever. Proclamations of pride will make his chest puff out and his heart swell.
“Why has our 75-year-old neighbor just cracked an innuendo about the girth of my penis?”
5. Answering the door in a negligée—or, better yet, naked.
“Sorry, Helen, I’m not in the mood. Jon Snow is dead.”
6. Being open to what he wants to try in the bedroom and out. An open mind is attractive no matter your playground.
“You can’t tell me that you’re willing to do anything but then you refuse to put on the horse costume.”
7. Letting him help solve your petty work problem. Many men don’t do gossip, but they do like to fix things.
“You’re a 28-year-old woman, Helen, and western society has advanced past the point where we believe men and women have specific gender roles. I will not “fix” your “petty work problem” as though it were a broken cabinet, as you are a strong, independent individual who does not need me to interfere with your career.”
8. Spitting out sports stats for his favorite team. Showing an interest in his favorite players will earn you points on and off the field.
“You have never taken an interest in sports before, which leads me to believe that your sudden excitement for the game at hand is insincere. While I acknowledge that you’ve put in some effort in order to join me in my appreciation of this particular sport, in actuality it is a fallacy that men secretly want their partners to become sports fans, and I am completely satisfied with you having separate hobbies from me.”
9. Making a big deal out of his favorite meal. Does he like hot dogs cut up into his boxed mac-and-cheese? Serve it on a fancy tray in bed to really see him smile.
“Again, this is a lovely gesture, Helen, but I’m nearly 30 years of age, and quite frankly this is a meal for a 7-year-old boy. While I can see that you’ve taken the time to make me a meal, the meal in question contains ingredients that lead me to believe that you are either patronizing me, or you are completely oblivious to my personal tastes.”
10. Treating his friends as well as you treat your own. If you win their affections, you’ll win his heart.
“It’s great that you’re making an effort with my friends, Helen, but they’re starting to get a little frustrated at being emailed Game of Thrones spoilers and you cooking them mac-and-cheese with hot dogs every time they visit.”
11. Sitting side-by-side while he watches his favorite TV. It may not feel like quality time to you, but it’s the best time to him.
“Helen, please, can I just have 30 minutes to myself here?”
12. Giving him a massage—happy ending completely optional. In fact, a foot rub works just fine.
“Hold on a second there, Helen – at first you were settled upon the idea of a handjob, but now you’ve come to the conclusion that I would just as much prefer a foot rub? To be quite honest with you, a foot rub would probably be less preferable for both parties here, as my feet are calloused and poorly maintained. They’re like the feet of a Hobbit, if said Hobbit were to have been partially waxed. Let’s continue with the original train of thought.”
13. Taking him back to third grade with a gentle tease over anything from how you’ll dominate him on the basketball court to the weird way he just styled his hair.
“What’s your fucking problem, Helen?”
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